I've not posted much in this blog . . . because the issues associated with caregiving for elderly parents is no longer on my mind as much. I haven't forgotten, though. If you're struggling with your own challenges and reading this, let me encourage you that you can get through this tough time.
I recently read an article about the importance of caregivers taking care of their own needs. Nancy Carlson used doodling as a way to express some of her feelings while taking care of her ailing husband. Lorraine Teel used textile arts. It can be hard to take time for creativity when you're already overextended, but it can be an excellent outlet for some of the excess stress and emotion.
"The thing about caregiving is, you don't realize what it takes from you; you're the proverbial frog in the boiling water." This quotation (in the 11/10/18 Star Tribune) perfectly captures the challenge of taking care of yourself while you're taking care of a loved one. The article also states that "research supports . . . the therapeutic value of creativity for the growing number of Americans tending to loved ones."
So whether it's doodling, knitting, baking, woodworking, or dancing, treat yourself to some creative time. Express the feelings you may not be able to state out loud!
Prior to October 2010, my life was pretty simple. But with my mom's diagnosis of temporal arteritis, I plunged into the strange new world of providing care for parents in their 80s. As I've shared stories with friends, they've urged me to blog about it and share what I've learned with others. Here we are!
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Lesson #7 - Legal Liability and Moral Responsibility
I thought hard about this blog post's title. I haven't actually learned a lesson to share with readers. I just know that there's a relationship between these two different things.
As my father-in-law got engaged this past year, my emotions ran the gamut from shock to relief to concern. Of course I want him to be happy. He has been so very lonely (a fact he denies, but all of us observe) and has found someone he enjoys being with. She seems very happy with him, as well.
Without getting into their personal details, some questions have cropped up for my siblings-in-law and me. Will any of us be responsible for debt if Lou passes away. ("No" is what I hear.) Given their twenty year age gap, will she be eligible for his social security check once he passes away. (I've heard both no and yes. My husband's response is typically "Who cares?") I wasn't really concerned with any of the legal questions that were brought up.
But then one of my sisters-in-law brought up the issue of expectations. Did his fiancee' think that she was getting a family of people who would care for her after he passed away? Oh my. Were we prepared to "be there" emotionally and in support of her if/when she became his widow? For me, what is morally the right thing to do in this situation? Again, I can imagine my husband's response without even asking. "Do? You don't have to do anything."
Time will tell where this goes. It just struck me that there is a huge difference between what family members are legally responsible for and what they are morally responsible for . . . it is hard, I admit, to think about having another person in my "elders" generation to take care of. Especially since she is only nine years older than my husband! The next few decades could be very interesting.
Please share any comments, observations, wisdom that you can!
As my father-in-law got engaged this past year, my emotions ran the gamut from shock to relief to concern. Of course I want him to be happy. He has been so very lonely (a fact he denies, but all of us observe) and has found someone he enjoys being with. She seems very happy with him, as well.
Without getting into their personal details, some questions have cropped up for my siblings-in-law and me. Will any of us be responsible for debt if Lou passes away. ("No" is what I hear.) Given their twenty year age gap, will she be eligible for his social security check once he passes away. (I've heard both no and yes. My husband's response is typically "Who cares?") I wasn't really concerned with any of the legal questions that were brought up.
But then one of my sisters-in-law brought up the issue of expectations. Did his fiancee' think that she was getting a family of people who would care for her after he passed away? Oh my. Were we prepared to "be there" emotionally and in support of her if/when she became his widow? For me, what is morally the right thing to do in this situation? Again, I can imagine my husband's response without even asking. "Do? You don't have to do anything."
Time will tell where this goes. It just struck me that there is a huge difference between what family members are legally responsible for and what they are morally responsible for . . . it is hard, I admit, to think about having another person in my "elders" generation to take care of. Especially since she is only nine years older than my husband! The next few decades could be very interesting.
Please share any comments, observations, wisdom that you can!
Friday, March 9, 2018
Lesson #6 - Do What You Can, How You Can
When you're in the thick of dealing with the many, many issues involved in caregiving, it's hard to even contemplate doing . . . more.
But rest assured, the day will come when things slow down for you. Or when you are reflecting back on the past. When (not if) that day comes, you may wonder what you can do to make a difference for others.
For me, this blog is a start. For a fellow jigsaw puzzler, it is a combination of fundraising and celebrating a personal joy. Check out what Leslie Mallory is doing to make a difference here.
(http://act.alz.org/site/TR?px=7813930&fr_id=10935&pg=personal)
I cannot participate on June 21 this year (my wedding anniversary AND the rehearsal for my youngest son's wedding) . . . but I may donate. And I am making a note of this event for 2019. And I am asking myself "What can I do to make a positive difference?" Caregiving can be challenging, but complaining isn't productive (or enjoyable).
Do what you can, when you can!
(On a random side note, my parents always referred to "Alzheimer's" Disease as "Old Timers'" Disease. They were so cute!)
But rest assured, the day will come when things slow down for you. Or when you are reflecting back on the past. When (not if) that day comes, you may wonder what you can do to make a difference for others.
For me, this blog is a start. For a fellow jigsaw puzzler, it is a combination of fundraising and celebrating a personal joy. Check out what Leslie Mallory is doing to make a difference here.
(http://act.alz.org/site/TR?px=7813930&fr_id=10935&pg=personal)
I cannot participate on June 21 this year (my wedding anniversary AND the rehearsal for my youngest son's wedding) . . . but I may donate. And I am making a note of this event for 2019. And I am asking myself "What can I do to make a positive difference?" Caregiving can be challenging, but complaining isn't productive (or enjoyable).
Do what you can, when you can!
(On a random side note, my parents always referred to "Alzheimer's" Disease as "Old Timers'" Disease. They were so cute!)
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Lesson #5 - Senior Housing
I should have written this entry a long, long time ago!
My parents were able to stay in their own home until they died. In fact, each of them died in that home. I'm so glad they were able to afford caregivers and stay where they wanted to be!
My father-in-law was not able to stay in his own home. He was lonely and not skilled at taking care of himself or a home. He lived with us for four and a half years and probably would have stayed, but it was less than ideal for me.
We were able to find a senior apartment in Northfield that was subsidized (based on income) and it had an opening! We moved him into the apartment on October 1, 2017. What a huge difference that has made for us! He is doing well, making new friends, using the bus, etc.
A good friend of mine is approaching that point where her mom will need to find somewhere else to live. This woman does not have the resources to afford something full-price. (Many senior residences cost $3,000+ per month *before* adding on services!) I had recommended that she call the Senior Linkage Line (1-800-333-2433) which is a Minnesota thing that is such a blessing!
In addition to the Senior Linkage Link, there is a Senior Housing Guide at https://seniorhousingguide.us/senior-housing/rental/ and it is so amazing! You can click on "subsidized" and then sort by county or proximity to a certain zip code. Again, this is a Minnesota thing. I'm not sure if other states have their own version. I hope so! It can be hard to deal with these issues and it's nice to have some options.
My parents were able to stay in their own home until they died. In fact, each of them died in that home. I'm so glad they were able to afford caregivers and stay where they wanted to be!
My father-in-law was not able to stay in his own home. He was lonely and not skilled at taking care of himself or a home. He lived with us for four and a half years and probably would have stayed, but it was less than ideal for me.
We were able to find a senior apartment in Northfield that was subsidized (based on income) and it had an opening! We moved him into the apartment on October 1, 2017. What a huge difference that has made for us! He is doing well, making new friends, using the bus, etc.
A good friend of mine is approaching that point where her mom will need to find somewhere else to live. This woman does not have the resources to afford something full-price. (Many senior residences cost $3,000+ per month *before* adding on services!) I had recommended that she call the Senior Linkage Line (1-800-333-2433) which is a Minnesota thing that is such a blessing!
In addition to the Senior Linkage Link, there is a Senior Housing Guide at https://seniorhousingguide.us/senior-housing/rental/ and it is so amazing! You can click on "subsidized" and then sort by county or proximity to a certain zip code. Again, this is a Minnesota thing. I'm not sure if other states have their own version. I hope so! It can be hard to deal with these issues and it's nice to have some options.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Lesson #4 - Superman is an Alien
So I'm at the end of my rope . . . and still trying to climb back up. I remember when I was a young working mom, thinking "I am NOT SuperWoman! I can't do it all!" But when you're a capable person who is used to *doing* things, you keep trying. SuperWoman and SuperMan are fictional characters who are *not* from Planet Earth, where the rest of us originated.
It's important (since we don't have super powers) to ask for help. I'm not always good at that. I usually offer to help. But I'm at a point where my own strength is most definitely not enough.
How does a capable, competent person ask for help?
Do it. Ask for help. And *don't* feel guilty about it! As human beings, we sometimes just need some help. Chances are good, you've helped others in their time of need. You'll pay it forward again someday, but right now - you need to receive.
It's important (since we don't have super powers) to ask for help. I'm not always good at that. I usually offer to help. But I'm at a point where my own strength is most definitely not enough.
How does a capable, competent person ask for help?
- Be specific. "I need you to watch Person X for two hours this weekend. Which day and time works best for you?"
- Spread the wealth. Make a list of people you can ask. Friends, family, neighbors, co-workers . . . having a long list extends the possibilities.
- Be thankful. "I really appreciate your help. This means a lot to me." People like to hear this and it's most likely truer than they know!
- Evaluate your needs. Do you need a break or do you need a complete change of situation? Go ahead and list out the pros and cons, the possibilities and dreams. Sometimes the craziest things that come up in brainstorming sessions are actually things that could happen.
Do it. Ask for help. And *don't* feel guilty about it! As human beings, we sometimes just need some help. Chances are good, you've helped others in their time of need. You'll pay it forward again someday, but right now - you need to receive.
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Lesson #3 - Caregiving is hard!
This has to be short, because I'm on my way out the door. I just want to acknowledge here and now that caregiving is hard. Even if you have a sunny disposition (which I don't), caring for another person is hard. When you're an exhausted young mom, you go beyond yourself to take care of that baby. That's just what you do. For some reason, caring for an elderly parent is similar but different enough that struggle ensues. I'll share more later, but please know that if you are struggling with caregiving, you are normal! Leave me comments if you wish! I will respond, but not necessarily in a prompt fashion.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Lesson #2 - End of Life wishes and communication
I feel as though everyone knows the importance of talking about end of life issues before it's the end, but this is truly a "big one." In retrospect, I'm really glad that my mom made it crystal clear what she did and did not want for the end of her life. Sometimes it made me feel sad or mad that she seemed to value her own life so little . . . like with her adoration of Jack Kevorkian and saying things like "when I can't take care of myself any more, I'm going to row to the middle of a lake, tie a cement block around my neck, and go overboard." That was distressing! (And I told her that it was distressing; we had a good conversation about it.)
But my siblings and I KNEW what she did and didn't want. We had filled out her health care directive and had conversations. When she fell and (probably) broke her hip on May 12 or 13 (I honestly don't remember which day), the temptation to take her to the hospital was countered by her having been explicit about no extraordinary measures and the fact that she was clearly at the end of her life. All four of us kids and dad were able to spend the last day of her life with her at home.
When my dad died, I realized that the one thing he had asked for as I "made" him go through the Health Care Directive with me was to have Catholic Last Rites. Oh my! He was already dead when I realized it. (And he had been his usual self two days earlier.) Since that was what he really had wanted, Ann said we should do them. Even though neither of us are Catholic priests and my dad was already dead, I looked online and she and I did them to the best of our abilities. (In my belief system, dad had already accepted or rejected God's grace and love. Salvation is a choice of accepting forgiveness through Jesus Christ, not a church ritual.)
When my mother-in-law died, she was adamant about wanting a particular pastor (and family friend) to conduct her funeral. She was adamant! The pastor of her "home" church insisted that she be the one to conduct the funeral. It was so incredibly maddening! It felt very political and inauthentic. Betty didn't even like her pastor much and yet Lou was all for going to his home church and having that pastor conduct the funeral. Louie reminded me that although his mom's last wishes weren't being respected, her eternal soul didn't depend upon the funeral. Since funerals really are for the survivors, not the dead (again, in my belief system), I had to accept that it wasn't of eternal significance that Pastor A did the ceremony vs. Pastor B (who remains a dear family friend - the same one who married us thirty years ago!)
In each of these situations, conversations happened and were reviewed. I love the different Health Care Directives and how they guide you through some of these end-of-life discussions. There's some great information at www.mnaging.org/Advisor/HealthCareDirective.aspx (Minnesota specific, but it seems that different places have similar info). I just went there now and downloaded a blank, editable Word version. For my mom, we had used a form called The Five Wishes that my sister had gotten for her. For my dad, I used the form that Allina (his health care system) provided. I don't know if my father-in-law has one yet and I should ask. Since he's 85 (almost 86) and living with us, it would make sense to have this conversation!
But my siblings and I KNEW what she did and didn't want. We had filled out her health care directive and had conversations. When she fell and (probably) broke her hip on May 12 or 13 (I honestly don't remember which day), the temptation to take her to the hospital was countered by her having been explicit about no extraordinary measures and the fact that she was clearly at the end of her life. All four of us kids and dad were able to spend the last day of her life with her at home.
When my dad died, I realized that the one thing he had asked for as I "made" him go through the Health Care Directive with me was to have Catholic Last Rites. Oh my! He was already dead when I realized it. (And he had been his usual self two days earlier.) Since that was what he really had wanted, Ann said we should do them. Even though neither of us are Catholic priests and my dad was already dead, I looked online and she and I did them to the best of our abilities. (In my belief system, dad had already accepted or rejected God's grace and love. Salvation is a choice of accepting forgiveness through Jesus Christ, not a church ritual.)
When my mother-in-law died, she was adamant about wanting a particular pastor (and family friend) to conduct her funeral. She was adamant! The pastor of her "home" church insisted that she be the one to conduct the funeral. It was so incredibly maddening! It felt very political and inauthentic. Betty didn't even like her pastor much and yet Lou was all for going to his home church and having that pastor conduct the funeral. Louie reminded me that although his mom's last wishes weren't being respected, her eternal soul didn't depend upon the funeral. Since funerals really are for the survivors, not the dead (again, in my belief system), I had to accept that it wasn't of eternal significance that Pastor A did the ceremony vs. Pastor B (who remains a dear family friend - the same one who married us thirty years ago!)
In each of these situations, conversations happened and were reviewed. I love the different Health Care Directives and how they guide you through some of these end-of-life discussions. There's some great information at www.mnaging.org/Advisor/HealthCareDirective.aspx (Minnesota specific, but it seems that different places have similar info). I just went there now and downloaded a blank, editable Word version. For my mom, we had used a form called The Five Wishes that my sister had gotten for her. For my dad, I used the form that Allina (his health care system) provided. I don't know if my father-in-law has one yet and I should ask. Since he's 85 (almost 86) and living with us, it would make sense to have this conversation!
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