Lesson #2 - End of Life wishes and communication

I feel as though everyone knows the importance of talking about end of life issues before it's the end, but this is truly a "big one." In retrospect, I'm really glad that my mom made it crystal clear what she did and did not want for the end of her life. Sometimes it made me feel sad or mad that she seemed to value her own life so little . . . like with her adoration of Jack Kevorkian and saying things like "when I can't take care of myself any more, I'm going to row to the middle of a lake, tie a cement block around my neck, and go overboard." That was distressing! (And I told her that it was distressing; we had a good conversation about it.)

But my siblings and I KNEW what she did and didn't want. We had filled out her health care directive and had conversations. When she fell and (probably) broke her hip on May 12 or 13 (I honestly don't remember which day), the temptation to take her to the hospital was countered by her having been explicit about no extraordinary measures and the fact that she was clearly at the end of her life. All four of us kids and dad were able to spend the last day of her life with her at home.

When my dad died, I realized that the one thing he had asked for as I "made" him go through the Health Care Directive with me was to have Catholic Last Rites. Oh my! He was already dead when I realized it. (And he had been his usual self two days earlier.) Since that was what he really had wanted, Ann said we should do them. Even though neither of us are Catholic priests and my dad was already dead, I looked online and she and I did them to the best of our abilities. (In my belief system, dad had already accepted or rejected God's grace and love. Salvation is a choice of accepting forgiveness through Jesus Christ, not a church ritual.)

When my mother-in-law died, she was adamant about wanting a particular pastor (and family friend) to conduct her funeral. She was adamant! The pastor of her "home" church insisted that she be the one to conduct the funeral. It was so incredibly maddening! It felt very political and inauthentic. Betty didn't even like her pastor much and yet Lou was all for going to his home church and having that pastor conduct the funeral. Louie reminded me that although his mom's last wishes weren't being respected, her eternal soul didn't depend upon the funeral. Since funerals really are for the survivors, not the dead (again, in my belief system), I had to accept that it wasn't of eternal significance that Pastor A did the ceremony vs. Pastor B (who remains a dear family friend - the same one who married us thirty years ago!)

In each of these situations, conversations happened and were reviewed. I love the different Health Care Directives and how they guide you through some of these end-of-life discussions. There's some great information at www.mnaging.org/Advisor/HealthCareDirective.aspx (Minnesota specific, but it seems that different places have similar info). I just went there now and downloaded a blank, editable Word version. For my mom, we had used a form called The Five Wishes that my sister had gotten for her. For my dad, I used the form that Allina (his health care system) provided. I don't know if my father-in-law has one yet and I should ask. Since he's 85 (almost 86) and living with us, it would make sense to have this conversation!