I thought hard about this blog post's title. I haven't actually learned a lesson to share with readers. I just know that there's a relationship between these two different things.
As my father-in-law got engaged this past year, my emotions ran the gamut from shock to relief to concern. Of course I want him to be happy. He has been so very lonely (a fact he denies, but all of us observe) and has found someone he enjoys being with. She seems very happy with him, as well.
Without getting into their personal details, some questions have cropped up for my siblings-in-law and me. Will any of us be responsible for debt if Lou passes away. ("No" is what I hear.) Given their twenty year age gap, will she be eligible for his social security check once he passes away. (I've heard both no and yes. My husband's response is typically "Who cares?") I wasn't really concerned with any of the legal questions that were brought up.
But then one of my sisters-in-law brought up the issue of expectations. Did his fiancee' think that she was getting a family of people who would care for her after he passed away? Oh my. Were we prepared to "be there" emotionally and in support of her if/when she became his widow? For me, what is morally the right thing to do in this situation? Again, I can imagine my husband's response without even asking. "Do? You don't have to do anything."
Time will tell where this goes. It just struck me that there is a huge difference between what family members are legally responsible for and what they are morally responsible for . . . it is hard, I admit, to think about having another person in my "elders" generation to take care of. Especially since she is only nine years older than my husband! The next few decades could be very interesting.
Please share any comments, observations, wisdom that you can!
Prior to October 2010, my life was pretty simple. But with my mom's diagnosis of temporal arteritis, I plunged into the strange new world of providing care for parents in their 80s. As I've shared stories with friends, they've urged me to blog about it and share what I've learned with others. Here we are!
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Friday, March 9, 2018
Lesson #6 - Do What You Can, How You Can
When you're in the thick of dealing with the many, many issues involved in caregiving, it's hard to even contemplate doing . . . more.
But rest assured, the day will come when things slow down for you. Or when you are reflecting back on the past. When (not if) that day comes, you may wonder what you can do to make a difference for others.
For me, this blog is a start. For a fellow jigsaw puzzler, it is a combination of fundraising and celebrating a personal joy. Check out what Leslie Mallory is doing to make a difference here.
(http://act.alz.org/site/TR?px=7813930&fr_id=10935&pg=personal)
I cannot participate on June 21 this year (my wedding anniversary AND the rehearsal for my youngest son's wedding) . . . but I may donate. And I am making a note of this event for 2019. And I am asking myself "What can I do to make a positive difference?" Caregiving can be challenging, but complaining isn't productive (or enjoyable).
Do what you can, when you can!
(On a random side note, my parents always referred to "Alzheimer's" Disease as "Old Timers'" Disease. They were so cute!)
But rest assured, the day will come when things slow down for you. Or when you are reflecting back on the past. When (not if) that day comes, you may wonder what you can do to make a difference for others.
For me, this blog is a start. For a fellow jigsaw puzzler, it is a combination of fundraising and celebrating a personal joy. Check out what Leslie Mallory is doing to make a difference here.
(http://act.alz.org/site/TR?px=7813930&fr_id=10935&pg=personal)
I cannot participate on June 21 this year (my wedding anniversary AND the rehearsal for my youngest son's wedding) . . . but I may donate. And I am making a note of this event for 2019. And I am asking myself "What can I do to make a positive difference?" Caregiving can be challenging, but complaining isn't productive (or enjoyable).
Do what you can, when you can!
(On a random side note, my parents always referred to "Alzheimer's" Disease as "Old Timers'" Disease. They were so cute!)
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Lesson #5 - Senior Housing
I should have written this entry a long, long time ago!
My parents were able to stay in their own home until they died. In fact, each of them died in that home. I'm so glad they were able to afford caregivers and stay where they wanted to be!
My father-in-law was not able to stay in his own home. He was lonely and not skilled at taking care of himself or a home. He lived with us for four and a half years and probably would have stayed, but it was less than ideal for me.
We were able to find a senior apartment in Northfield that was subsidized (based on income) and it had an opening! We moved him into the apartment on October 1, 2017. What a huge difference that has made for us! He is doing well, making new friends, using the bus, etc.
A good friend of mine is approaching that point where her mom will need to find somewhere else to live. This woman does not have the resources to afford something full-price. (Many senior residences cost $3,000+ per month *before* adding on services!) I had recommended that she call the Senior Linkage Line (1-800-333-2433) which is a Minnesota thing that is such a blessing!
In addition to the Senior Linkage Link, there is a Senior Housing Guide at https://seniorhousingguide.us/senior-housing/rental/ and it is so amazing! You can click on "subsidized" and then sort by county or proximity to a certain zip code. Again, this is a Minnesota thing. I'm not sure if other states have their own version. I hope so! It can be hard to deal with these issues and it's nice to have some options.
My parents were able to stay in their own home until they died. In fact, each of them died in that home. I'm so glad they were able to afford caregivers and stay where they wanted to be!
My father-in-law was not able to stay in his own home. He was lonely and not skilled at taking care of himself or a home. He lived with us for four and a half years and probably would have stayed, but it was less than ideal for me.
We were able to find a senior apartment in Northfield that was subsidized (based on income) and it had an opening! We moved him into the apartment on October 1, 2017. What a huge difference that has made for us! He is doing well, making new friends, using the bus, etc.
A good friend of mine is approaching that point where her mom will need to find somewhere else to live. This woman does not have the resources to afford something full-price. (Many senior residences cost $3,000+ per month *before* adding on services!) I had recommended that she call the Senior Linkage Line (1-800-333-2433) which is a Minnesota thing that is such a blessing!
In addition to the Senior Linkage Link, there is a Senior Housing Guide at https://seniorhousingguide.us/senior-housing/rental/ and it is so amazing! You can click on "subsidized" and then sort by county or proximity to a certain zip code. Again, this is a Minnesota thing. I'm not sure if other states have their own version. I hope so! It can be hard to deal with these issues and it's nice to have some options.
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